At Wits End.
“God help me,” was the prayer I said weeping as I stood at the edge of the roof ready to jump to my death. I felt the cool breeze of the wind as it brushed my face with tears rolling down my face there was no perfect time to end the pain I felt than in that moment, death was the only option I had.
I don’t know what better way to describe suicide than an easy way to escape emotional pain- if not the easiest way. Of course the dictionary definition would be taking of one’s life voluntarily and intentionally because of struggling with mental health. As someone who has recovered from depression, you can easily tell that suicide was top tier on my to-do list so as to get rid of the emotional pain I was feeling because other methods were failing. For those that don’t know, emotional pain is the only pain whose wounds are on the inside and no surgical process can stich them up. There are people who resort to abuse of drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, others choose sex and the rest resort to self-harm but how about those where these options haven’t worked? What’s the other option left? Death! And that-ladies and gentlemen-is suicide for y’all.
So please, ladies and gentlemen, join me in an astounding round of applause as depression’s best and only friend; Ms. Suicide, makes her way to the stage. Yeap! That’s right, it’s a she; with her grace and poise she cunningly and quietly makes her way down the aisle to receive her noble prize as the most long bearing friend to depression and the only option depressed people will have when they are at wits end, the one who will gently nudge you to the direction of death as the only way out. Some people call her Suicidal sometimes…she is intentional among other characteristics. Although I wish people knew that she wasn’t an only option.
I remember when I was on that rooftop ready to jump off, I saw no other option (or at least I thought) until some lady came to the rooftop to wash clothes and I couldn’t jump off anymore because a suicide isn’t as satisfying if someone sees you doing it, right? -Maybe, maybe not either way I wasn’t about to commit suicide. So in my tiny embarrassment, I got down from the roof and made a call to my mother who talked me through it and advised me to look for help that I eventually got. It was in that moment that realized two things; the first being that I still had a second chance at life and should do things differently and the second being that all I needed was someone to talk to. Most suicide cases, the victims just never had someone to talk to but in some cases, the person they talk to never understands. For instance, I remember a time when I was telling a few friends about my suicide attempt months after I had left rehab and their feedback to me was so judgmental, I remember one of them saying, “What do you be on to commit suicide?” and then they went ahead to laugh and yet these are same people who will go online and pretend to be supportive of suicidal victims. Anyways I’m not calling them out.
Want to know someone who is suicidal, look out for the following signs; being sad and moody, sudden calmness after an episode of depression, withdrawing from others, showing self-harmful behavior, talking about and attempting suicide in the past. These people can be anywhere and it could be anyone even yourself. Pointing a finger at them wouldn’t be helpful, rather hold out your hand and offer help. Here at iMental Health we can offer that help because we know what it means to be at wits end.
Nsiima Chloe Elizabeth
Is a second year law student at Uganda Christian university. She loves to write, watch movies and find new things.
Fun fact: she was diagnosed with depression in 2021 and embarked on a recovery journey and uses what she learnt from her recovery to help others struggling with mental health.